The Plumbing Planet

Buy one jury get one free

Friday, March 2 2007

by our Politics correspondent Jack Uzi

The High Court has ruled that a jury should hear the inquest into the deaths of Princess Diana and Dodi Al Fayed rather than deputy royal coroner Baroness Butler-Sloss sitting alone. The decision has been welcomed by Harrods boss Mohamed Al Fayed who said it was a victory for British justice and common sense.

"This is wonderful news mate," he said. "Twelve good men and ladies can decide on what happened to my son and his lovely bride-to-be, mother of my grandchildren, sweetheart of the nation, angel in heaven, Allah rest her soul. It would have been a proper catalogue of miscarriage if the decision was left to one person just basing a judgemental on the facts. This is about emotion mate and you need proper people for that, not those who just study the evidence."

Mr Al Fayed said that it would be a traumatic duty for the chosen jurors and said that as a reward for their dedication they would all receive Harrods vouchers to the value of 100,000 each. He denied this was an inducement to find that his son and the princess were assassinated on the orders of Prince Philip.

"Goodness no, mate," he said. "That's jury tampering innit? None of that, now. Old Phil the Greek is a murdering swine but the jury can decide that for themselves. And there's a shot on Santa's sleigh in it for them too come October."