Midnight Plumbers Diaries
The Midnight Plumbers have gone to the ends of the Earth in search of the finest literary talent and social commentary that money can buy. Be it the sport of kings, another piece of ill-conceived Government policy or a bit of racy celebrity gossip you can be sure that our team of elite columnists have something trenchant and apposite to say. Please be aware that the views expressed by these columnists do not (necessarily) reflect the views of the Midnight Plumbers. You have been warned!
The McConnell Log
Some smart Alex once said that Scotland will only be free when the last minister of the Kirk is strangled with the last copy of The Sunday Post. Now, thanks to Jack Topaz McConnell, that has all changed. Now they say that Scotland will only be free when the First Minister is strangled. Wee Jack, however, is much more than mere politician. Unknown to many of his countrymen, he is also poet and tragedian. For better and for verse. Much, much verse. Here, in a style owing much to lauded predecessors such as Burns, McGonagall and Dalglish, is the secret poetry of Jack Topaz McConnell.
What he might say: It wisnae me.
The Plumb Line
Peter Plumb is our resident plumber and is always ready to share his views on the latest world events through the eyes of the world's second oldest profession. He knows his mind and isn't afraid to lose it. If you can stand the truth then read the Plumb Line and get it straight between the ears. Peter Plumb is a man who calls a wrench a f***ing spanner. We just take out the sweary words.
What he might say: If it's true in plumbing then it's true in life.
Lady Pan Jammer's Diary
Lady Pandora is the queen of gossip, the princess of fashion and the grand-duchess of champagne. She knows who is doing what to whom and what they were wearing while they were at it. Okay, so she might get a bit outrageous at times and completely guttered at others but at the end of the day she is always a lady. She is the soul of discretion - as long as you like your soul straight from James Brown's drunk tank. For the latest skinny on the social scene, read Lady P's diary.
What she might say: Oh, did I say that out loud?
Read Lady Pan Jammer's Diary here
Here Comes The Judge
Judge Mental is an angry man. Very. He doesn't like time-wasters or bleeding heart liberals. He doesn't like spoiled brats or their lentil-eating, claret-swilling parents. And he certainly doesn't like what has become of this great country of ours thanks to Blair's nanny state. He is on a mission to rid society of miscreants, ne'erdowells and Nissan Micra drivers.
What he might say: Guilty!
Read the Judge's latest verdict here
Librarian Liberation Front
Colin and Dangerous Dave work in a library near you and are quietly working to put the world to rights. They will never tire in their efforts, not while there are whales to save, bombs to ban, wrongs to right and overdue books to process. These reading-room revolutionaries are putting their own stamp on the fight against advancing globalisation. Think Che Guevara in a cardigan and you are halfway there (there are two of them).
What they might say: Hell's bells, it's all getting a bit Sheridan.
Visit the Librarian Liberation Front here
Fat Fred O'Farrell's Diary
He's the fattest jockey in racing and has a bigger appetite than Anne Widdecombe after a fortnight at Fat Camp. Fred knows the ins and outs of racing like the back of his hand, even though it might be covered in grease from a pie. If you want to know about the steamers, the scams, the stewards and the scales then check out Fred's file. He might point you in the direction of a winner or just towards the nearest chip shop.
What he might say: Hungry? I could eat a baby's arse through the bars of a cot.
Read Fat Fred O'Farrell's Diary here