Chancellor Alistair Darling has urged failed banking boss Sir Fred Goodwin to give up his £650,000 pension – threatening legal action if he fails to act voluntarily to end the controversy.

Sir Fred, the former chief of the Royal Bank of Scotland, which has announced a UK record £24.1 billion annual loss, has not responded publicly to the request but is understood to have laughed very loudly. Sir Fred, said by many to be the complete banker, was known to colleagues as Fred the Garlic Bread because of his ruthless cutting of loafs from the RBS budget and replacing them with cheaper focaccia.

Many banking experts blame Sir Fred’s expansionist policies into cakes and biscuits to be primarily responsible for the collapse of RBS’s catering arm and is said to have had huge knock-on effects in North America where he is known as Fred the Irish Soda Bread. A spokesman for Sir Fred said that if people wished to use hurtful sobriquets for him then perhaps they should consider Fred the Caviar or Fred the Vintage Champagne. He said that Fred the Humble Pie would not be appropriate.

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