A list of possible successors to Alan Shearer is being drawn up at Newcastle United following the sacking of the former striker this morning.

 Chairman Mike Ashley has sacked the former England striker after a disappointing performance at the weekend against Champions League quarter finalists Chelsea. “I’m afraid it just hasn’t worked out”, said Ashley, “we gave him every support, but results have not improved, he’s lost every game since taking charge and we simply cannot afford to give him any more time”.

 It is thought that a team approach is now favoured by the board and the early front runners, Ant N Dec, are expected to be approached in the next few days. There are growing concerns, however, that they are not Geordie enough, having spent some time in Australia.

Catherine Cookson is thought to covet the job, and knows nothing of football management, so has emerged as the most likely long term appointment. Her death in 1998 is unlikely to diminish Ashley’s interest.

Bryan Ferry has taken training today, but it is unlikely that he will be able to do more than this, but he has exhorted the team to stick together. He was assisted by Neil Tennant who feels that United’s current predicament is a sin and that with the right team in place there are opportunities to make lots of money.

It is also thought that, after a series of Messianic appointments, an approach has been made to Christ himself as the board felt that they might as well go for the top man. It is unlikely, however, that he would be released from his contract at Celtic.

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