In plumbers’ style we recognise this event through the medium of song.

To the tune of the old Dean Martin favourite ‘amore’…

In Tripoli where saltires swing
When east meets west here’s what they say

When the plane in the sky gets blown way up high
That’s a story
When the bomber is caught then it seems that he’s not
That’s a story
Trade deals will boil cash-for-oil, cash-for-oil, cash-for-oil
And a bottle of Stella
Bleeding hearts will say set him free, set him free
Like Nelson Mandela

When there’s a heated debate about his dodgy prostate
That’s a story
When the bomb’s made in Iran and they’ve got the wrong man
That’s a story
When he’s sent home to die but yet still he ends up
Covered in glory
Scuzza me, but you see, back in old Tripoli
That’s a story

When Gadaffi and Blair have a desert secret to share
That’s a story
When the old FBI try to spin us such an obvious lie
That’s a story
Facts are chiels that winna ding, winna-ding-ding
Like a closed umbrella
The cancer they say just won’t go away, won’t go away
Much worse than rubella

When there’s no global passion for Scottish compassion
That’s a story
When the bold SNP decide to set an innocent man free
That’s a story
But although he’s gone home he must always
Memento mori
Scuzza me, but you see, back in old Tripoli
That’s the story

Jubilant Gurkhas have thanked Ms Lumley for her tireless work on their behalf and have offered her Gurkha nationality as a reward for her help. Ms Lumley, who already holds honorary Greek nationality for her services to Prince Philip, has already said that she will be delighted to accept.

The actress is a major star in Nepal where the national TV station plays reruns of Absolutely Fabulous and The New Avengers at peak times every evening. Sapphire and Steel is also shown if rain interrupts the televised elephant polo league.

The Government u-turn is seen as particularly embarrassing for Jacqui Smith who was revealed to have claimed expenses for 14 Gurkhas despite never actually having given any of them citizenship.

In further worrying developments, it has been reported that in one of the London cases, a man has spent the day in bed and has been sniffling. Doctors fear that if his symptoms do not improve soon then he may have to take a day off work.

A woman in Nottingham has reported feeling a little light-headed while a teenager in Cardiff is said to have swollen glands and a slight temperature. Both are said to be taking plenty of fluids and have received an emergency supply of hankies from the local authorities.

Health Secretary Alan Johnson has repeated the Government’s advice to anyone who fears they may have swine flu. “Anyone feeling unwell and who thinks it may be swine flu should bear in mind the old adage, feed a cold and starve a fever,” he said. “Or possibly the other way round. I can never remember which.”

Health officials, after discussions with newspaper editors, have redrawn the guidelines on the number of cases which will categorise swine flu as being a pandemic and it now stands at 14.

Mr Brown said that far from being the beginning of the end of New Labour as some critics suggested, it was simply the end of the beginning. The Prime Minister conceded that his Government was in a position where winning the next general election was difficult but that they would take every opportunity in the legislative period remaining to make their mark. He said that they would soon put a bill before Parliament to reopen every mine in the UK and that all ex-miners would have their pay backdated to 1984.

There will also be moves to bring British Telecom, British Gas and British Rail back into public ownership. Mr Brown said that he knew banks where he could now get a very decent interest rate. Ravenscraig, Linwood, Bilston Glen and the Proclaimers will all be rebuilt under Mr Brown’s proposals.

However he denied that the legislation amounted to an attack on the last vestiges of Thatcherism and said there would also be a bill calling for Mrs Thatcher to have a state funeral. Mr Brown said that he was proposing it be held on the last Thursday in May and that a suitable stake had already been erected at the gates of Downing Street.

Britain’s most senior counter-terrorism officer has resigned after making a security blunder which caused an anti-terror operation to be brought forward. Assistant Commissioner Bob Quit inadvertently revealed secret papers to photographers when arriving for a Downing Street briefing on Wednesday.

After Mr Quit’s gaffe and fearing that suspects could be tipped off about their plans, hundreds of officers swooped upon suspects on Wednesday afternoon rather than the early hours of Thursday morning as originally intended. That meant rushing out a press release saying that the raids were going to take place and not all news channels were able to be there to film the arrests.

Met officers were said to be deeply upset about the change of timings because it was feared public lives had been put at risk and also many of them did not have time to record Diagnosis Murder before going out. It was the second of a two-part episode and one officer said that the time he has spent watching the first part had been simply wasted.

Mr Quit’s resignation was regretfully accepted by London Mayor Boris Johnson who said the officer now intended to spend more time with his family at their home at 116 Wyndford Gardens, London SE12 7TN.

 Chairman Mike Ashley has sacked the former England striker after a disappointing performance at the weekend against Champions League quarter finalists Chelsea. “I’m afraid it just hasn’t worked out”, said Ashley, “we gave him every support, but results have not improved, he’s lost every game since taking charge and we simply cannot afford to give him any more time”.

 It is thought that a team approach is now favoured by the board and the early front runners, Ant N Dec, are expected to be approached in the next few days. There are growing concerns, however, that they are not Geordie enough, having spent some time in Australia.

Catherine Cookson is thought to covet the job, and knows nothing of football management, so has emerged as the most likely long term appointment. Her death in 1998 is unlikely to diminish Ashley’s interest.

Bryan Ferry has taken training today, but it is unlikely that he will be able to do more than this, but he has exhorted the team to stick together. He was assisted by Neil Tennant who feels that United’s current predicament is a sin and that with the right team in place there are opportunities to make lots of money.

It is also thought that, after a series of Messianic appointments, an approach has been made to Christ himself as the board felt that they might as well go for the top man. It is unlikely, however, that he would be released from his contract at Celtic.

The judge said that Madonna was not fit to be a mother to three-year-old Mercy James. A spokesman for the multi-millionaire singer furiously denied she was unfit, saying that she had the body of a man half her age.

The spokesman refused to confirm reports that Madonna would now turn to a team of international mercenaries to “liberate” the child from Africa. It is believed that a plan codenamed Operation No Mercy had been put in place in the event of the adoption application being denied. Five Serbian marines, former bodyguards to President Slobodan Milosevic, are said to have been paid $2 million each to take the child to America “dead or alive”, preferably alive.

Madonna’s spokesman also denied reports that she was to cover Duffy’s number one single (You got me begging you for) Mercy, saying that she would not wish to use her fame and money to cash in on the suffering of a child. She said that instead she would simply go and buy one somewhere else.

Ian Maxwell-Fieding, chief economist at investment bankers Fletcher, Fletcher and Stack, says that although a million and a billion are genuine numbers, a trillion is just one that has been made up to pacify panicking treasuries. “There is no such thing as a trillion, there never has been,” said Mr Maxwell-Fielding. “They would have been as well saying they were implementing measures worth a zillion, or even a gazillion dollars.”

However both Gordon Brown and Barack Obama have defended the money being used to boost global trade and struggling economies. “We are very serious about this,” said Mr Obama. “A trillion dollars is a lot of money but we are confident this will work. If it doesn’t then we will not be afraid to commit even a bazillion dollars if that is what it takes.”

Mr Brown agreed.

Police have refused to confirm reports that former RBS chief Sir Fred Goodwin was among the protesters and had been seen throwing a missile, believed to be a bottle of tonic wine, through a window of the bank. However sources at the scene say that Sir Fred, although initially receiving a hostile reception from the demonstrators, was eventually warmly welcomed by them when he said that he had realised the evils of capitalism and, in particular, the banking system.

The crowd chanted “Sir Fred the Red” as the former chief executive led a charge on mounted police officers and tried to break through the front doors of the Bank of England. One protestor, who would only be named as T. Sheridan from Glasgow, said that Sir Fred was demanding an end to capitalist tyranny and wanted economic justice for all, particularly pensioners.

President Sarkozy has described the standards of catering at his hotel as “dégoûtant” as local chefs are using the summit as a way of promoting the best in British food and drink.  Sadly, Welsh rarebit, Yorkshire puddings, Cumberland sausage and Toad in the Hole have met with Gallic shrugs of disapproval and, as the French clearly enjoy rare and exotic meats, only haggis has met with the approval of the French government. Consequently, the hunting season for haggis has been extended until after the summit, due to start on Wednesday, to satisfy the voracious appetites of officials from Paris.

Haggis farmers all over the north of Scotland have seen their flocks decimated as government officials have turned up unannounced and taken the best livestock for the table in London. It can take as many as eight beasts to provide one French-sized portion, and the farmed variety are generally smaller than their wild cousins, forcing an extension to the hunting season.

Concerns that the summit has failed to promote Anglo-French harmony were raised as soon as breakfast was served, “Il sont des barbares”, Sarkozy commented, “ils mangent du boudin pour le petit-déjeuner”.