A young Airdrie man has been shot by firing squad after a mix up at the local court allowed a 108-year old woman onto the jury. The man was found guilty of stealing a goat …

Insiders suggest that one cost-cutting move being mooted by bosses is a controversial plan to get rid of Sir Trevor McDonald’s moustache.

Jackson is said to have chosen London as the venue for his global comeback because of his fascination for spoof secret agent Austin Powers.

The Prime Minister also said that it is worthwhile to take a chance and that the benefits of the community chest should be used wisely.

However it was at the after-show party that Mr Kay’s fate was sealed when he walked straight by the Pot Noodle stand and instead picked up a plate of pasta and a glass of wine from an area set aside for production staff.

O’Leary said there would be strict penalties for anyone taking more than their fair share and that they would be particularly hard on asthmatics who had been cheating other passengers for years.

Some are already drawing up a plan for regime change in Mexico which produces 4.8% of the world’s oil but continues to have a horrendous human rights record on guacamole.

Super-brainy Latin scholar Gail Trimble has almost single-handedly swept to victory in the BBC’s University Challenge competition, outscoring all her team mates put together to take the title.

Sir Fred, said by many to be the complete banker, was known to colleagues as Fred the Garlic Bread because of his ruthless cutting of loafs from the RBS budget and replacing them with cheaper focaccia.

Among expected bidders for the benefit mail is ‘Sir’ Richard Branson. He intends to rebrand it as Virgin DSS although it is thought that this concept might cause particular confusion in Dundee.