The Midnight Plumbers guide to the beautiful Scottish border town of Kelso, home to Britain’s friendliest racecourse and a plumbers’ favourite.

Qua-a-a-a-nd il me prend dans ses bras, il me parle tout bas, je voie la vie en rose…
What can you say about Paris that hasn’t been said a thousand times before? One of the …

HowyaIt’s day three and I’m sitting here with a smile the size of Cork on me bake. Jaysus but it’s been deadly so far.Tuesday was brand new and I was laughing me cacks off at …

HowyaJayus I love the smell of a scam in the morning. First Tuesday of Cheltenham and there’s already a whisper for a hit on the sods with the satchels. A whisper? It’s a bleeding roar.You’ll …

Howya
Here I am at Ascot and I have to tell youse it’s bleeding deadly. Sure and I know it says Royal Ascot in the papers but she’s no queen of mine sure she’s not. She’s …

Happy St Paddy’s to youse all but jayus lads, how bad was that yesterday?
The drink link has taken a bigger battering than Lisa Jones gives her gee gees. If Mrs O’Farrell knew how much cash …

Howya
Oh jaysus. Poor Keiren. He’s really gone and done it this time.
The Fallon fella was only doing his job and making sure his nag didn’t win when it wasn’t supposed to so that the one …

Howya
Was youse watching the Oscars the other night? Blinding it was apart from that diddy bitch-bag Billy Crystal. You ever seen anyone more in need of a good kick in the bollocks? Me neither.
Anyways it …

Howya
Being followers of the sport of kings as you are, you’ll have seen me name on your racecard and in your papers and here I am to write for youse every now and again. Me …

I was rigging up a dishwasher for a family down Ronald Place last week. Don’t know why he couldn’t just have bought her a pair of pink Marigold gloves and saved himself a few quid …