The McConnell Log
Some smart Alex once said that Scotland will only be free when the last minister of the Kirk is strangled with the last copy of The Sunday Post. Now, thanks to Jack Topaz McConnell, that has all changed. Now they say that Scotland will only be free when the First Minister is strangled. Wee Jack, however, is much more than mere politician. Unknown to many of his countrymen, he is also poet and tragedian. For better and for verse. Much, much verse. Here, in a style owing much to lauded predecessors such as Burns, McGonagall and Dalglish, is the secret poetry of Jack Topaz McConnell.
Friday, June 25, 2004
Switzerland, oh Switzerland
Switzerland, oh Switzerland
Land o’ cuckoo clocks
Cheese wi holes and loads o’ snow
And sledging wi John Noakes
Switzerland, oh Switzerland
Land o’ army knives
Mountains, lakes and chocolate
And such dreary little lives
Switzerland, oh Switzerland
Land o’ secret bankers
Ye’ve gaen up being neutral
And stuffed them English wankers
Switzerland, oh Switzerland
There is nae praise higher
Than for Scots tae toast the land
That gied us Ursi Meier
Referee, oh referee
Yer Scottish in disguise
Oh thank you Herr McMeier
Noo try a kilt for size
Land o’ cuckoo clocks
Cheese wi holes and loads o’ snow
And sledging wi John Noakes
Switzerland, oh Switzerland
Land o’ army knives
Mountains, lakes and chocolate
And such dreary little lives
Switzerland, oh Switzerland
Land o’ secret bankers
Ye’ve gaen up being neutral
And stuffed them English wankers
Switzerland, oh Switzerland
There is nae praise higher
Than for Scots tae toast the land
That gied us Ursi Meier
Referee, oh referee
Yer Scottish in disguise
Oh thank you Herr McMeier
Noo try a kilt for size
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
To Senora Miralles
Have ye seen our new Parly?
It’s looking awfy braw
Three cheers for Miralles
An ah’ll gie his widow wan an aw.
Oh ah’d gie her wan, ah’d gie her wan
Ah’d gie her two or three
Oh ah want Senora Miralles
O’er ma bended knee.
Ole ole Senora Miralles
Man ah’d love to nip ’er
Help ma boab I think it’s time
Fur the return o’ Jack the Zipper
Visit the widow, visit the widow
Ah’m only being polite
Visit the widow, visit the widow
Aye that’ll be feckin right
Visit the widow, visit the widow
Ah’ll soon win her affection
Fur I hear she likes a man
Wi a magnificent erection
Ole ole ole ole ole
Ole ole ole ole ole
Jack and Benedetta up a tree
Sh-a-gg-ing
It’s looking awfy braw
Three cheers for Miralles
An ah’ll gie his widow wan an aw.
Oh ah’d gie her wan, ah’d gie her wan
Ah’d gie her two or three
Oh ah want Senora Miralles
O’er ma bended knee.
Ole ole Senora Miralles
Man ah’d love to nip ’er
Help ma boab I think it’s time
Fur the return o’ Jack the Zipper
Visit the widow, visit the widow
Ah’m only being polite
Visit the widow, visit the widow
Aye that’ll be feckin right
Visit the widow, visit the widow
Ah’ll soon win her affection
Fur I hear she likes a man
Wi a magnificent erection
Ole ole ole ole ole
Ole ole ole ole ole
Jack and Benedetta up a tree
Sh-a-gg-ing
Farewell to Whatsisname
Alas poor John Thingy
He’s here nae mair
He’s clean disappeared
Like the last o’ his hair
Alas poor John Thingy
He’s been fund oot
They cried him a loser
An gied him the boot
Alas poor John Thingy
He was nae brain surgeon
He thocht Alex Salmond
Was yon Nicola Sturgeon
Alas poor John Thingy
I liked him just fine
I was fair scunnered when
They made him resign
Alas poor John Thingy
We’ll see him nae mair
They’ve called for Roseanna
A lesbian? That’s rerr
He’s here nae mair
He’s clean disappeared
Like the last o’ his hair
Alas poor John Thingy
He’s been fund oot
They cried him a loser
An gied him the boot
Alas poor John Thingy
He was nae brain surgeon
He thocht Alex Salmond
Was yon Nicola Sturgeon
Alas poor John Thingy
I liked him just fine
I was fair scunnered when
They made him resign
Alas poor John Thingy
We’ll see him nae mair
They’ve called for Roseanna
A lesbian? That’s rerr
Thursday, June 17, 2004
Ode to Zinedine Zidane
Wan nil to Ingerlund
Wi 90 minutes gone
Tyldesley’s daen ma nut in
But hang oan here’s Zidane
He’s lining up a free kick
Gaun yersel big man
Calamity for Calamity
Ya beauty it’s wan wan
Ah’m supposed tae be neutral
First Minister an aw that
But even David Blunkett
Can see Gerard’s a prat
A hospital pass tae Calamity
He’s ta’en the legs aff Henry
The ref’s pointed tae ra spot
Help ma boab a penalty
Get it up ye, get it up ye
Get it up ye Tony Blair
Your boys took a beating
Fae a man wi no much hair
Wi 90 minutes gone
Tyldesley’s daen ma nut in
But hang oan here’s Zidane
He’s lining up a free kick
Gaun yersel big man
Calamity for Calamity
Ya beauty it’s wan wan
Ah’m supposed tae be neutral
First Minister an aw that
But even David Blunkett
Can see Gerard’s a prat
A hospital pass tae Calamity
He’s ta’en the legs aff Henry
The ref’s pointed tae ra spot
Help ma boab a penalty
Get it up ye, get it up ye
Get it up ye Tony Blair
Your boys took a beating
Fae a man wi no much hair
Parliament prayer
Hen can you understaun me now
Sometimes ah feel a little mad
Don’t you ken that nae First Minister can aye be an angel
Even Donald Dewar now looks kinda bad
Well ah’m just a boy whose designers are good
Oh Lord, please let me build new Holyrood
Hen sometimes ah’m so brilliant
It’s so hard no tae be smug
Other times ah get caught wi ma zipper doon
And then ah don’t wany onyone to see ma ugly mug
Well ah’m just a boy whose designers are good
Oh Lord, please let me build new Holyrood
Sometimes ah feel a little mad
Don’t you ken that nae First Minister can aye be an angel
Even Donald Dewar now looks kinda bad
Well ah’m just a boy whose designers are good
Oh Lord, please let me build new Holyrood
Hen sometimes ah’m so brilliant
It’s so hard no tae be smug
Other times ah get caught wi ma zipper doon
And then ah don’t wany onyone to see ma ugly mug
Well ah’m just a boy whose designers are good
Oh Lord, please let me build new Holyrood
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
Normandy Wisdom
Oh whit tae dae
It’s D-Day the day
An I’ve got two things oan my plate
Ah could take the chance
Tae get myself tae France
Or keep my fancy Royal dinner date
France is real sunny
But golf is real money
An I could get to be Prince Andy’s mate
Auld sojers are moaning
Aw shut your groaning
Am no rising to your D-Day dodging bait
Whit’s that you say?
Votes are gaun astray?
Maybe dinner wi Andy’s no that great
I know whit tae dae
It’s D-Day the day
Tell the heroes wee Jack is head of state.
It’s D-Day the day
An I’ve got two things oan my plate
Ah could take the chance
Tae get myself tae France
Or keep my fancy Royal dinner date
France is real sunny
But golf is real money
An I could get to be Prince Andy’s mate
Auld sojers are moaning
Aw shut your groaning
Am no rising to your D-Day dodging bait
Whit’s that you say?
Votes are gaun astray?
Maybe dinner wi Andy’s no that great
I know whit tae dae
It’s D-Day the day
Tell the heroes wee Jack is head of state.
Ode to John Swinney
Lang streak o’ pish
And awfy skinny
Wee roond glasses
That eejit John Swinney;
Nae brains, nae guts
A total ninny
Hair like a Nazi
That eejit John Swinney;
I’ve seen less grease
On ma mammy’s pinney
Oh thank God for
That eejit John Swinney.
And awfy skinny
Wee roond glasses
That eejit John Swinney;
Nae brains, nae guts
A total ninny
Hair like a Nazi
That eejit John Swinney;
I’ve seen less grease
On ma mammy’s pinney
Oh thank God for
That eejit John Swinney.
Stockline sorrow
Plastics explosion. Loads deid.
Mair troubles on my heid.
No ma fault.
Mair troubles on my heid.
No ma fault.
Unreliable
If you cannae rely on Reliance
Whit can ye do
Cons will be on the skite
And I’ll be on the broo
Oh Reliance they are wonderful
Reliance they are swell
They transport the prisoners
And let them go as well
And when a killer’s on the run
You can always tell
When some bugger’s been freed by Reliance
Whit can ye do
Cons will be on the skite
And I’ll be on the broo
Oh Reliance they are wonderful
Reliance they are swell
They transport the prisoners
And let them go as well
And when a killer’s on the run
You can always tell
When some bugger’s been freed by Reliance
