tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-72782342007-05-06T17:31:31.242-07:00masterplumberBlogger33125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7278234.post-8423402749298908492007-05-06T17:30:00.000-07:002007-05-06T17:31:31.270-07:00<strong><em>An epistle to the bewitching Ms Nicola Stephen</em></strong><br /><br />Oh Nicola<br />Oh Nicola<br />Woman wi’ two first names<br />Oh Nicola<br />Oh Nicola<br />Woman wi’ two hot flames<br />Oh Nicola<br />Oh Nicola<br />Continually playing games<br />Oh Nicola<br />Oh Nicola<br />Whit’s your bloody aims?Mariotag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7278234.post-37725226941841972322007-05-06T16:17:00.000-07:002007-05-06T16:25:07.328-07:00<strong><em>An ode on the sad and perturbing occasion of the election fiasco of May 2007.</em></strong><br /><br />Just a little cross<br />How hard can it be<br />To stop old Baw Face<br />And the feckin SNP<br />Yet voters spoil papers<br />With halfwit capers<br />Mixing up digits<br />Like mental midgets<br />Like eejits<br />Like clowns<br />Like Gordon Browns<br />Call it hypocrisy<br />But I hate democracy<br />And bleedin bureaucracy<br />Just vote Labour<br />Like your neighbour always did<br />Just a little cross?<br />Naw.<br />I’m pissed offMariotag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7278234.post-19992828565579713292007-04-18T07:33:00.000-07:002007-04-19T08:53:46.816-07:00<strong><em>On the occasion of the Scottish parliamentary elections of 2007, a time of purdah and purgatory.<br /></em></strong><br />Ah cannae stand burnt sausage rolls<br />And am bored stupid by a game of bowls.<br />Ah dinnae believe in the Dead Sea scrolls<br />And cannae be arsed wi Sunday strolls.<br />What’s the point of studying black holes<br />Or watchin fish swim around in shoals?<br />Ah just cannae abide Cabinet moles<br />Or that wee ginger twat Paul Scholes<br />Or Skye Bridge tolls or our own goals<br />Or Peter Bowles or Tony Knowles<br />Ah wouldnae fancy walkin o’er hot coals<br />Or having my bollocks eaten by voles<br />Or being shot at fae grassy knolls<br />But worse than a’ thae tortured souls<br />All their parts and all their wholes<br />Is friggin, bastardin opinion polls<br />They fair get oan ma wickMariotag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7278234.post-1155830378998379692006-08-17T08:59:00.000-07:002006-08-18T01:46:40.910-07:00<strong><em>On the occasion of Mr Tommy Sheridan announcing that he may form a new socialist party after infighting among the members of the SSP prompted by salacious and unfounded tales of his private life. Mr Sheridan has been found by a court of law to be not guilty of random and wanton shagging. These are (not really) his words.</em></strong><br /><br />Naebody knows where ma johnny has gone<br />It was here jist the other day<br />I’ve got two left in the packet<br />But I’m worried aboot DNA<br /><br />It’s ma party and I’ll say goodbye if I want to<br />Lie if I want to, unzip ma fly if I want to<br />You wid sigh too if it happened to you<br /><br />Been fighting Trident and the war in Iraq<br />Leave me alone for a while<br />Till I find that lost johnny<br />I’ve got no reason to smile<br /><br />It’s ma party and I’ll buy a Thai if I want to<br />Gie her the eye if I want to, stroke her thigh if I want to<br />You wid try Spanish Fly too if it happened to youWee Jacktag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7278234.post-1152285833481976692006-07-07T08:22:00.000-07:002006-07-07T08:23:53.493-07:00<strong><em>On the sad occasion of the death of one of Scotland’s favourite sons, the much-loved mountaineer, author and broadcaster Tom Weir.<br /></em></strong><br />Don’t put away your bobble hat<br />Climb God’s mountains<br />Talk the craic<br />Take lost angels by the hand<br />Guide them through their own land<br />Charm them,<br />Inform and entertain<br />Show them the Way<br />And make them smileWee Jacktag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7278234.post-1152282418860909262006-07-07T07:26:00.000-07:002006-07-07T07:26:58.870-07:00<strong><em>On the undignified occasion of the court case involving Thomas Sheridan and the News of the World.<br />But why the fuss? In the words of Karl Marx, “From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs”. And Tommy needs a shag.</em></strong><br /><br />Tommy the Commie<br />Man of his words<br />Power to the people<br />Espeshully the burds<br />(Allegedly)<br /><br />Tommy the Tiger<br />He’s grrrrreat<br />A socialist, a sexualist<br />And definitely straight<br />(Allegedly)<br /><br />Tommy the Marxist<br />Tells workers to unite<br />Nowt to lose but their chains<br />Tho handcuffs are alright<br />(Allegedly)<br /><br />Tommy the Suntan<br />Wi his face so red<br />Has a large majority<br />And a party in his bed<br />(Allegedly)Wee Jacktag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7278234.post-1152012548112245372006-07-04T04:22:00.000-07:002006-07-04T04:31:36.656-07:00<strong><em>An ode to our friends and European neighbours Portugal. Not for any particular reason, you understand. Just because they are great.</em></strong><br /><br />Nellie Furtado<br />Sardines and fado<br /><br />Carmen Miranda<br />An Algarve veranda<br /><br />Phil, Luis and Jose<br />A nice Mateus Rose<br /><br />Magellan and Vasco<br />Christiano Ronaldo<br /><br />Sam Mendes and Pessoa<br />Three penalties out of four<br /><br />Now even Presbyterians<br />Are loving the Iberians<br /><br />It’s such a grand locale<br />Oh obrigado Portugal<br /><br />Obrigado<br />Obrigado<br />Obrigado PortugalWee Jacktag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7278234.post-1151597773928817322006-06-29T09:14:00.000-07:002006-06-29T09:17:32.263-07:00<em><strong>On the occasion of tennis superstar Andy Murray upsetting the sensibilities of the English nation by saying he'd not support their bid for World Cup glory.</strong></em><br /><br />In deepest, darkest, poshest Surrey<br />Wee Ingerlunders are in a flurry<br />They rant and rave but he disnae worry<br />You’ve got to love wee Andy Murray<br /><br />Andy Murray<br />Andy Murray<br />Andy Andy Murray<br />He’s got shite hair<br />But we don’t care<br />Andy Andy Murray<br /><br />Wi a barnet like that I’ve got a hunch<br />He’s a refugee fae the Hair Bear Bunch<br />But he makes the Inglish spew their lunch<br />And Henman’s got a face yid love to punch<br /><br />Andy Murray<br />Andy Murray<br />Andy Andy Murray<br />He’s got shite hair<br />But we don’t care<br />Andy Andy Murray<br /><br />He widnae back Ingerlund as a last resort<br />He’d rather hae VD or a genital wart<br />But jist to show that he’s a guid sport<br />He’ll wear a Portugal top on centre court<br /><br />Andy Murray<br />Andy Murray<br />Andy Andy Murray<br />He’s got shite hair<br />But we don’t careAndy Andy MurrayWee Jacktag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7278234.post-1149604073018284982006-06-06T07:24:00.000-07:002006-06-06T07:29:25.753-07:00<strong><em>Written on the occasion of the 2006 World Cup and in the wake of ‘controversy’ over Wee Jack’s declaration of support for Trinidad and Tobago.</em></strong><br /><br />What’s so bad<br />About supporting Trinidad?<br />If ah may say so<br />Ah can follow Tobago<br />If ah want<br /><br />Ah’m the kind of guy<br />That quite likes Paraguay<br />And if it suits my needs<br />Ah’ll be behind the Swedes<br />So shut it<br /><br />Italy or Ukraine,<br />Brazil, Switzerland or Spain<br />Poland or Japan<br />Germany, Ghana or Iran<br />Whoever<br /><br />Any eejit can see<br />I’ll be supporting A.B.E.<br />And if that’s sad<br />Well it’s just too effin bad.<br />So there<br /><br />Ah dinnae care<br />If I get a row fae Tony Blair<br />I’m Scottish to the hilt<br />So get it right up your kilt<br />Ya bass<br /><br />C’moan T and T<br />C’moan Russell Latapy<br />Anyone But England dis for me<br />A.B.E.<br />A.B.E.<br />A.B.E.Wee Jacktag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7278234.post-1142512598026167232006-03-16T04:34:00.000-08:002006-03-16T04:38:22.416-08:00<em><strong>Written on the occasion of my very important visit to the Commonwealth Games in Melbourne.</strong></em><br /><br />G’day mate<br />Fae the land down under<br />Miles awa<br />Fae the latest blunder<br /><br />The Parly’s shut<br />I hear it’s fallin doon<br />Just as well<br />That ah’m oot o’ toon<br /><br />Nats and Tories<br />Are rattling their sabres<br />Ah so whit<br />Ah’m watching Neighbours<br /><br />Ah’ve a new hat<br />It’s got loads o’ corks<br />Ah’ve a braw villa<br />Paid for by the Warks<br /><br />It’s nae junket<br />It’s fair hard work<br />Keeping a face<br />Withoot a smirk<br /><br />Oh advance<br />Australia fair<br />There’s snow at home<br />But ah don’t careWee Jacktag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7278234.post-1140782439837774142006-02-24T03:58:00.000-08:002006-02-24T04:00:39.846-08:00<strong><em>On the happy occasion of the announcement of the forthcoming lesbian nuptials of Margaret Smith, Liberal-Democrat MSP for Edinburgh West.</em></strong><br /><br />If it wisnae for oor lesbians where wid we be<br />In a parliament of rampant heterosexuality<br />Cause we’d hae nae minorities or even be non-PC<br />If we didnae hae oor share o’ the lezzies<br /><br />Oh Maggie Smith is wonderful, oh Maggie Smith is swell<br />Cause she’s not only a lezzie, she’s getting wed as well<br />It’s tae anither wummin in case ye couldnae tell<br />Oh we’re fair modern, we’ve got married lezziesWee Jacktag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7278234.post-1138892207205760022006-02-02T06:52:00.000-08:002006-02-02T06:56:47.216-08:00<strong><em>On the occasion of Sean "Big Tam" Connery complaining about the promotion of Scotland, saying he won't support Tartan Day again and saying the people of Scotland should 'take to the streets'.</em></strong><br /><br /><br />Whit is it wi’ Big Tam?<br />The wife-beating<br />Miserable bam.<br /><br />He wis a milkman<br />Fer goad’s sake.<br />Noo he’s a feckin ham.<br /><br />The man who wants to be king?<br />That wis just a film.<br />He’s an actor. It’s a scam.<br /><br />So he’s in a huff,<br />Whit’s feckin new?<br />Like I should give a damn.<br /><br />Noo he wants a revolution,<br />Scots taking to the streets?<br />The streets o’ the Bahamas?<br />Whit a feckin sham.<br /><br />Greatest living Scotsman?<br />I think you’ll find ah am.<br /><br />Shut it, big Tam.<br />Haud yer wheesht.Wee Jacktag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7278234.post-1138293867992081102006-01-26T08:43:00.000-08:002006-01-26T08:44:28.003-08:00Indefatigable arse<br />Lickspittle arse<br />Popinjay arse<br />Respect? Ma arseWee Jacktag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7278234.post-1136811231639711102006-01-09T04:52:00.000-08:002006-01-09T04:55:24.363-08:00Charlie's gone<br />As the Lib-Dems wished.<br />But did he jump<br />Or was he pished?Wee Jacktag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7278234.post-1136551710109791272006-01-06T04:47:00.000-08:002006-01-06T13:46:38.373-08:00He’s ginger<br />That’s the problem.<br />Don’t blame stress or Inverness,<br />It’s because he’s ginger.<br />It’s just no fair<br />To have red hair,<br />He drinks because he’s ginger.<br />Melanin in the cortex<br />Makes his roots go red.<br />Makes him mental in the head<br />And drink because he’s ginger.<br />Walk a mile in his hair<br />And then you’ll understand.<br />Don’t condemn.<br />Don’t rebuke.<br />Don’t give the ginger guy a dirty look.<br />Poor Charlie likes a drink<br />And you would too<br />If you were ginger.Wee Jacktag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7278234.post-1105101846773368142005-01-07T04:43:00.000-08:002005-01-07T04:44:06.773-08:00We’ve aw been on a winter holiday <br />Wi the Warks for a week or two <br />Sex and politics oan a winter holiday <br />Practising for a future interview <br />For a week or two. <br /> <br />Ye can stick it where the sun ain’t shining <br />Ye can stick it where the air is blue <br />I’ve been partying with Kirsty <br />So it’s tough shit for you. <br /> <br />Everybody wants a friend like Kirsty <br />She’s fit, she’s loyal and true <br />So when ah get questions fae Kirsty <br />Ah also get the answers too <br />For me not you. <br />Wee Jacktag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7278234.post-1097600494211646412004-10-12T09:59:00.000-07:002004-10-12T10:04:28.863-07:00Whit is it wi Edwin Morgan? <br />Is he looking for a fight? <br />Is he cruising for a bruising? <br />Is it cos he cannae write? <br /> <br />Ah’m the poet in this toon <br />Ah’m a poet in ma prime <br />Ah’m Jack Topaz McConnell <br />Morgan cannae even rhyme <br /> <br />His poems are pure rubbish <br />They couldnae be much dimmer <br />Ah’m no staunin for that shite <br />Fae an old bloke wi a zimmer <br /> <br />I ken fine whit he was up tae <br />He wis trying to get me going <br />Am gonnae put my fit up his arse <br />Till only ma heel is showing <br /> <br />He wis trying to wind me up <br />Wi that “wisnae me” sly dig <br />Me sittin wi the Queen an aw <br />The auld bugger’s sure a pig <br /> <br />Ah gave free care for the elderly <br />An whit thanks dae ah get, eh? <br />The auld sod jist takes the piss <br />In front of Nicola Benedetti <br /> <br />But ah’ll hae the last laugh <br />When he pops his vital organ <br />Ah’ll be the poet laureate <br />The New Labour Edwin Morgan <br />Wee Jacktag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7278234.post-1095781526377563632004-09-21T08:44:00.000-07:002004-09-21T10:30:50.106-07:00Sheena Easton, Weir’s Way, Donald Dewar, Paul McStay, <br />Jimmy Spankie, Jimmy Krankie, Billy Connolly <br />Lorraine Kelly, Banquo’s ghost, Willie Carson, Sunday Post <br />Jimmy Shand, Burntisland, Dougie Donnelly <br /> <br />Denis Law, Thane o’ Cawdor, Carol Smillie, Harry Lauder <br />Border tart, Braveheart, Daniel Nardini <br />Arnold Clark, Rob Roy, Jackie Bird, Peter McCloy <br />Fran and Anna, Fyffye's banana, Shareen Nanjiani <br /> <br />We didn't start the Parly <br />Costs were always rising <br />Because of bad advising <br />We didn't start the Parly <br />No they didn't cost it <br />So we nearly lost it <br />Wee Jacktag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7278234.post-1095246208257052272004-09-15T04:02:00.000-07:002004-09-15T04:03:28.256-07:00It wisnae Donald <br />And it wisnae me <br /> <br />It wisnae Henry <br />And it wisnae me <br /> <br />It wisnae Steele <br />And it wisnae me <br /> <br />It wisnae Miralles <br />And it wisnae me <br /> <br />It wisnae naebody <br />But it wisnae me <br />Wee Jacktag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7278234.post-1094570191800363452004-09-07T08:15:00.000-07:002004-09-07T08:16:31.800-07:00The builders have finished, <br />Well sort of. <br />We’ve aw moved in, <br />More or less. <br />They’ve cleaned up the mess, <br />Well most o’ it. <br />Noo everyone’s happy, <br />Happy-ish. <br />It was cheap at £440 million <br />It….. <br />Ach forget it. <br />Wee Jacktag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7278234.post-1094570008550522552004-09-07T08:07:00.000-07:002004-09-07T08:13:28.550-07:00Nicola Sturgeon <br />Nippy sweetie <br />Make-up done <br />By Balfour Beatty <br /> <br />Nicola Sturgeon <br />Nippy sweetie <br />Goes like a bunny <br />Says toilet graffiti <br /> <br />Wee Jacktag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7278234.post-1091723745331887872004-08-05T09:35:00.000-07:002004-08-05T09:36:57.870-07:00Auld baw face says <br />He’ll hae me on a skewer <br />Auld baw face says <br />Oor MSPs will be fewer <br />Auld baw face says <br />I ain’t no Donald Dewar <br />Which is fine by me <br />Cos Donald’s deid <br />Wee Jacktag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7278234.post-1090689346248772492004-07-24T10:15:00.000-07:002004-07-24T10:15:46.246-07:00Auld baw face is back <br />The walkin, talkin heart attack <br />Auld baw face <br />Smug as a bug in a tartan rug <br />Soundbite Charlie <br />Naebody’s mug <br />Auld baw face <br />One smart Alex right enough <br />Smiling sleekit <br />Acting tough <br />OO7’s favourite thug <br />Vote SNP or we’ll shoot your dug <br />Torn betting slips <br />Rolls of fat <br />Am ah supposed to be scared of that? <br />Wee Jacktag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7278234.post-1089500689027718882004-07-10T16:04:00.000-07:002004-07-13T07:46:05.413-07:00Pavements covered wi dog turd; <br />Pieces made wi lemon curd; <br />Drunken alkies, voices slurred; <br />Evening news by Jackie Bird, <br />Hanging oan her every word; <br />Ma Scotland. <br /> <br />Rain and wind, freezin cauld; <br />Slim Jim Baxter, Bertie Auld; <br />Hunners o’ wee men goin bald; <br />Sky Plus package been installed, <br />Hope the license van hisnae called; <br />Ma Scotland. <br /> <br />Bag o’ chips to romance her; <br />Fags and beer, oh ya dancer; <br />Every ned a Bengal Lancer; <br />World leader for lung cancer, <br />Doctors havnae got an answer; <br />Ma Scotland. <br /> <br />Deep-fried Mars bars on oor hearts; <br />Arbroath smokies, Border tarts; <br />Guid at snooker, guid at darts; <br />Wet, Wet Wet in the charts, <br />Whit a bunch of whining farts; <br />Ma Scotland. <br /> <br />Big Hen Broon still standing tall; <br />Wee wifies in the shopping maul; <br />Greggs the bakers, RS McCall; <br />Huns and Tims, bampots all, <br />Sectarianism’s always on the ball; <br />Ma Scotland. <br /> <br />Bowler-hatted marching Brits; <br />Carol Smillie’s threepenny bits; <br />Hairstyles worse than Robert Pritz; <br />Silicon Glen and empty pits, <br />Traditional industry left in bits; <br />Ma Scotland. <br />Wee Jacktag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7278234.post-1088163712639842592004-06-25T04:41:00.000-07:002004-07-04T11:08:56.040-07:00Switzerland, oh Switzerland <br />Land o’ cuckoo clocks <br />Cheese wi holes and loads o’ snow <br />And sledging wi John Noakes <br /> <br />Switzerland, oh Switzerland <br />Land o’ army knives <br />Mountains, lakes and chocolate <br />And such dreary little lives <br /> <br />Switzerland, oh Switzerland <br />Land o’ secret bankers <br />Ye’ve gaen up being neutral <br />And stuffed them English wankers <br /> <br />Switzerland, oh Switzerland <br />There is nae praise higher <br />Than for Scots tae toast the land <br />That gied us Ursi Meier <br /> <br />Referee, oh referee <br />Yer Scottish in disguise <br />Oh thank you Herr McMeier <br />Noo try a kilt for size <br />Wee Jack