The Plumbing Archives

Who will care for Fat Boy Fat?

Tuesday, February 27 2007

by our Entertainment correspondent Crystal B Day

The mother of an eight-year-old boy who weighs 14 stone is anxiously waiting to find out whether her son will be taken into care by social workers. North Tyneside Council say they want to pick up Connor McCreadie but are worried someone will put their back out doing so. Instead they say they will try to lure Connor into care by leaving a trail of sausage, chips and chicken nuggets to the door of foster parents.
However celebrity chef Jamie Oliver is trying to stop the council action by adopting the eight-year-old and make him a guinea pig for his healthy-eating project. A spokesman for Oliver admitted that the chef wouldn't actually make Connor a guinea pig, he would just buy him one out of a pet store and baste it in its own juices.
The spokesman added, "Jamie is determined to make this kid slim. He intends to put him on a strict regime of lettuce leaves and damp cardboard. Jamie says that if he can't get him down to eight stone by Christmas then he will stick an apple in the boy's mouth and serve him up to the Salvation Army."
When interviewed by The Plumbing Planet, Connor's mother Ms Nicola McKeown said something that we couldn't make out on account of her stuffing her mouth with chips at the time.

 

Royal gets the blues and the ballet

Thursday, February 22 2007

by our Politics correspondent Jack Uzi

Prince Harry's regiment will be deployed to Iraq, the Ministry of Defence and Clarence House have confirmed in a joint statement. The Prince's Blues and Royals regiment will be deployed to what has been described by the MoD as one of the most dangerous theatres in Iraq.

The regiment will spend six months in the Gaiety Theatre Baghdad, protecting the famed Kirkurk Ballet Company from the risk of attack from critics. Army intelligence fears that savage criticism of the Kirkurk Ballet is being fuelled by insurgents in an attempt to bring down the democratically-elected poodle government of Iraq.

The Blues and Royals will man key areas of the theatre, including the stalls, dress circle, bar and themed restaurant. They will do so out of uniform, a risky strategy as it leaves them open to capture without the protection of the Geneva Convention and leaves their dinner suits vulnerable to the stains of Bloody Marys.

Prince Harry is already being tipped to win the Victoria Cross and to pull the democratically-elected prima ballerina.

 

Bald truth about Britney's barnet

Wednesday, February 21 2007

by our Entertainment correspondent Crystal B Day

The bidding war on eBay for locks of Britney Spears' hair has taken a dramatic new twist. Hundreds of sellers have been offering hair said to be that of the troubled pop star who shaved it off in a Los Angeles hairdressers on Saturday.

However it has now emerged that most of the hair being offered through the Internet auction site actually belongs to the lead singer of the Bee Gees, Barry Gibb. Pop fans became suspicious at the amount of hair on sale and experts doubted that it could all be from the empty head of the princess of pop. Former Radio One DJ Paul Gambaccini realised that the only singer with enough hair to meet the Internet demand was Gibb and contacted the FBI.
"Barry Gibb is the hairiest man in the music business, perhaps the entire entertainment industry," Gambaccini said last night. "I knew it had to be him behind this cruel swindle."

Gibb now faces prosecutions for fraud. The singer already had a criminal record, several of them. He also faces charges of indecency if it is proved that he also shaved off his pubic hair to help meet demand.

 

Americans to help cut British troop numbers

Wednesday, February 21 2007

by our Politics correspondent Jack Uzi

Tony Blair has announced that the number of British troops in Iraq will be cut within the next few months. The Prime Minister says that the 7100 serving troops in the country will be reduced to 7082 and hopes that this will be achieved by late Spring.

Mr Blair refused to go into detail on how the troop numbers will be reduced but a Ministry of Defence spokesman said that the cut will be attained by natural wastage and some help from our American allies. The spokesman refused to use the term "friendly fire" but did nod his head when it was put to him by reporters.

The Opposition Spokesman on Defence, Mr Quentin Hardcastle, said that the reduction in troops was nowhere near enough and demanded that the Prime Minister prevail upon the Americans to shoot more of their allies. A spokesman for the Liberal Democrats said that it might be better if we just brought all our troops home before any more of them were killed by anyone. He added that the new Cheeky Girls single is available in all good record shops.