The Plumbing Planet

The Latest News from around the World

Newcastle in turmoil

Friday, September 26 2008

by our Sport correspondent Sid Cistern

Just when we thought it could get no more bizarre at St James's Park, Newcastle United have appointed Joe Kinnear as temporary manager following Terry Venables' overnight decision to resist further sullying his managerial reputation. The 74-year-old Kinnear becomes the latest manager to jump on the Newcastle merry-go-round and his appointment, albeit a temporary one, is unlikely to appease the Toon Army as they see yet another "London mafia type" being foisted upon them by billionaire owner Rick Astley.

Kinnear has been out of management since his untimely death in 1988 and his appointment is seen by many as a strange one. Although born in Wigan, he has little connection to the North East having plied his trade primarily in London. He came to national prominence in the 1960s as a journeyman in TW3, going on to play Verruca Salt's father Henry in Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Mel Stuart's rendition of Roald Dahl's classic children's novel, in 1971. Although much respected by his peers, Kinnear has been associated more with bit parts than a main role. The highs have seen him perform at the highest European level with Los Cuatro Mosqueteros in the 1974 Fairs Cup but there have been many, many lows: Jerry in two episodes of George and Mildred and a sergeant in The Amorous Milkman spring readily to mind.

Kinnear's appointment comes at the end of a bad week for Newcastle. Rumours of being swindled out of several hundred million pounds by a Nigerian Internet scam, the loss of star striker Obafemi Martins and four successive defeats on the field have merely added to the cloud of confusion that surrounds this beseiged club. The addition of a small, nervous and sweaty manager has done nothing to allay the fears that the Magpies may be in terminal decline.

Kinnear, however, was in typically bullish mood when it was suggested that he might not be the right man for the job. "Snozzwangers? Vermicious Knids? What kind of rubbish is that?"

 

Coe rows into Olympic row

Thursday, September 4 2008

by our Entertainment correspondent Crystal B Day

Sebastian "Lord" Coe has announced a four-year programme of cultural events leading up to the London Olympics in 2012. A William Shakespeare festival, 12 new public works of art and a water-based memorial to late rockers Chas 'n' Dave will form the centrepiece to the cultural line-up.
However there is already controversy over the agenda as there are no plans for Mr Dave's widow, novelist Maeve Binchy, to take part in the opening ceremony. It is understood that Mr Dave's girlfriend, classical violinist Vanessa Mae, has insisted that his wife is not invited. The row is said to have caused a deep rift with Mr Chas's widow, former Speaker of the House Betty Boothroyd, who has expressed her unhappiness at everyone not being able to get along as "let's face we are all celebrities here".
Chas 'n' Dave, personal favourites of "Sebastian" Coe, tragically died in 2006 on the eve of a world comeback tour. They were crushed to death when their recording studio was hit by a freak cyclone while digitally remastering a hip-hop version of Snooker Loopy which was intended to be the 2012 games official anthem.

 

Hailin' Palin's baby maybe

Thursday, September 4 2008

by our Sport correspondent Sid Cistern

John McCain's running mate, Sarah Palin, has made a stinging attack on Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama at the Republican convention. Speaking in St Paul's, Minnesota, she criticised Mr Obama for dodging his parental responsibilities and said that she would ensure he made at least a financial commitment to her pregnant daughter Bristol.

Mrs Palin, cousin of British comedy star John Cleese, said that Obama would be judged by the people of America and that they would decide whether a man who could impregnate an unmarried white girl simply in order to benefit from a political scandal was really fit to be the next president of the United States. She said that she and her husband would stand by their daughter but that if their grandchild came out singing Mammy then it was on its own.

Mrs Palin, who strenuously denied press reports that her daughter Bristol has an identical twin sister, said that the incident showed how far American society had fallen. She called for a return to the days when a politician would be tarred, feathered and locked in hog irons for making a white girl pregnant, no matter whether he was a slave or a free man. Mrs Palin denied that she was a racist, saying that she didn't know much about racism but that she knew what she didn't like.

 

Brown's first day blues.

Friday, June 29 2007

by our Politics correspondent Jack Uzi

Gordon Brown's first day as PM has been disrupted by the state Tony Blair left No. 10 Downing Street in when he left. It is believed that the outgoing PM and wife, Cherie, threw a bit of a party for Downing Street staff and didn't do any clearing up. Consequently, Mr and Mrs Brown arrived from next door to be greeted by empty pizza boxes, half-empty beer cans and drained bottles of After Shock, the Blairs' tipple of choice. Mr Brown was not invited to the party.

The former chancellor is also reported as being upset that he did not know about some rather nasty carpet stains (the result of a particularly fun-filled state visit from George Bush) that have been kept hidden by strategic positioning of Mrs Blair's enormous clothing closet, which has now been removed.

Mr Brown did have a survey done prior to moving house but it is not clear whether Mr Blair had access to this dossier nor made any changes prior to it being presented to Gordon Brown. Mr Brown was under the impression that the wardrobe made for Downing Street (or WMD) would be there upon his arrival, but despite an extensive search it was clearly not there. Mr Brown was quoted yesterday: "I'm gutted, Sarah and I will have to go to IKEA for new furniture and there is some serious housework to do. I don't know how long it will be before we can return to the business of government".

Late last night a spokesman for Mr Blair said "Brown's been clearing up after Blair for years; I don't see why today should be any different".

 

Never look an Iranian president in the mouth

Thursday, April 5 2007

by our Politics correspondent Jack Uzi

The 15 Royal Navy sailors and marines held in Iran for almost two weeks have been reunited with their families. The crew, freed by Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as a "gift" to the British people on Wednesday, touched down at Heathrow Airport at noon. A statement from Downing Street said that Prime Minister Tony Blair is still considering what to give in return.

Mr Blair is said to be angry at being embarrassed with the late gift, thinking that he had done all his present buying for this Easter. His wife Cherie has reportedly told him that if he had left it to her as she had suggested then this would never have happened.

Government advisors are said to be swithering between a Sony PlayStation 3 and a set of fancy candles for Mr Ahmadinejad. However there are fears that this may cause a diplomatic incident as Mr Blair has already bought President George W Bush a condominium in Manhattan and a pair of bejewelled cowboy boots. It is thought that a PS3 might look a bit inadequate in comparison and anyway the games are very expensive.

Sources suggest that Home Secretary John Reid is urging a compromise gift of tomahawk missiles, sarin gas and creme eggs, all to be launched with immediate effect. It is believed Mr Reid is hurt that he didn't get any captive Naval personnel as a gift and has reportedly told staff that "the bloody Muslims just don't know how to do Easter."

 

Prince William's girlfriend in photo fury

Thursday, March 29 2007

by our Entertainment correspondent Crystal B Day

Prince William's girlfriend Kate Middleton has made a formal complaint over a photograph which appeared in today's Daily Mirror. Ms Middleton wrote to the Press Complaints Commission demanding action be taken over the photograph which she said made her "look a bit fat".
Ms Middleton, who has the backing of Buckingham Palace over the issue said that the Mirror's photographer was in breach of Clause 4 of the Code of Practice which strictly outlaws photographs of any of the prince's girlfriend's looking less than their best. Ms Middleton said that the photograph compromised her chances of marrying Prince William as "no-one likes a fat gal do they and that picture made me look like a size 12."

She also claims that the photograph invaded her privacy and is demanding 1 million in compensation or a fashion spread for the week of Royal Ascot.

Ms Middleton says that the press have made her life a misery since she began dating the Prince, saying that a series of photographs made her look podgy, stupid, somewhat posh and stuck-up. The Association of Press Photographers have formally thanked her for the compliment on their skills.

 

A band named Sue

Wednesday, March 21 2007

by our Entertainment correspondent Crystal B Day

Hit 1970s pop band The Bay City Rollers are suing their record company, claiming they are owed millions of dollars in unpaid royalties. The Scottish group says Arista Records has withheld payments from album sales, merchandise, commercials, film rights and ringtones during the last 25 years.
The five original Rollers - Les McKeown, Eric Faulkner, Ian Rankin, Alan Longmuir and Derek Longmuir - have struggled since their heyday with only bestselling author Rankin going on to a further media career. McKeown and Faulkner still tour small venues, Alan Longmuir is a plumber while his brother Derek is a nurse and former paedophile.
The Rollers also lost millions after being advised to invest in a trampoline-making firm by former manager Tam Paton. He assured them that trampolines were going to be the biggest thing since the hoola hoop and the band members bought into 16 production factories, one outside Edinburgh and the remaining 15 in Elgin. All the factories had to close when it was discovered that the child workers flown in from the Philippines to build the trampolines weren't heavy enough to carry out vital bounce tests.
Further attempts at investment failed when Paton convinced the Rollers to put their money into plastic rain macs and Wellington boots for reindeer, a scheme he insisted would be the biggest thing since trampolines. Sadly the seasonal nature of reindeer work meant the plan was doomed to failure and not even a last-ditch attempt to use the macs and boots for school children could save the company.
The Rollers have said that if they can recover the estimated $22 million from Arista they intend to invest it in a company which produces tartan paint for the American market. Les McKeown says he has been told that it is set to be the biggest thing since reindeer macs.

 

John Inman's brilliant Korea

Thursday, March 8 2007

by our Entertainment correspondent Crystal B Day

Actor John Inman, most famous for the comedy Are You Being Served?, has died in London aged 71. Inman made his name in the 1970s show as Mr Humphries, whose catchphrase "I'm free!" entered popular culture.

Inman's agent today paid tribute to the Korean War hero who won the Victoria Cross before taking up a career in acting. Archie Drake recalled how Mr Inman was always reluctant to speak about his wartime adventures and how he would often say "what happened in Korea, stays in Korea". Inman was decorated for single-handedly killing 24 enemy troops, three of them with his bare hands, and saving his battalion from certain death. Military legend has it that Inman's colonel asked for a volunteer to tackle the enemy and Inman immediately cried out that he was available.

Inman left the army and operated as a mercenary in Angola and Uganda for a number of years before taking up a career in acting. Last night, former mercenary John 'Mad Dog' Banks said that Inman was one of the hardest men he had ever known and that it was a tragedy that he had decided lightly to tread the boards rather than fight for corrupt regimes.

Wendy Richards, Inman's co-star in Are You Being Served, said that he would rarely talk about his violent past. "Sometimes, if he'd had too much gin and lemon, then he'd get aggressive and challenge stage hands to a fight to the death," she said. "But when he wasn't drinking he was the nicest man you could wish to meet."

 

Till immigrants do us part

Wednesday, March 7 2007

by our Politics correspondent Jack Uzi

Home Secretary John Reid has launched a crackdown on "foreigners who come to the UK and steal our benefits". Mr Reid says that the plan is intended to stop illegal immigrants getting housing, healthcare or work. He added that the new measures would also prevent immigrants from gaining access to justice or enjoying the famed British sense of fair play. They will also be denied food, clean water, shelter from the rain, Channel 5 and free gifts with breakfast cereals.
Mr Reid would not be drawn on rumours that he is to give up politics after being made a lucrative offer to star as Alf Garnett in a remake of the classic sitcom Till Death Do Us Part. It is believed that the BBC want Reid to play the racist, bigoted, fascist and foul-mouthed Garnett and they have said the fact that he is not an actor will be no hindrance.
Others in the running for roles in the remake are Margaret Beckett as Garnett's wife Else, Tony Blair as his lazy Scottish git son-in-law and David Milliband as their daughter Rita. The Conservative Party have attacked the Government for stealing their ideas and said that they are pushing through the programme in order to steal the thunder from their own planned remake of Love Thy Neighbour.

 

Buy one jury get one free

Friday, March 2 2007

by our Politics correspondent Jack Uzi

The High Court has ruled that a jury should hear the inquest into the deaths of Princess Diana and Dodi Al Fayed rather than deputy royal coroner Baroness Butler-Sloss sitting alone. The decision has been welcomed by Harrods boss Mohamed Al Fayed who said it was a victory for British justice and common sense.

"This is wonderful news mate," he said. "Twelve good men and ladies can decide on what happened to my son and his lovely bride-to-be, mother of my grandchildren, sweetheart of the nation, angel in heaven, Allah rest her soul. It would have been a proper catalogue of miscarriage if the decision was left to one person just basing a judgemental on the facts. This is about emotion mate and you need proper people for that, not those who just study the evidence."

Mr Al Fayed said that it would be a traumatic duty for the chosen jurors and said that as a reward for their dedication they would all receive Harrods vouchers to the value of 100,000 each. He denied this was an inducement to find that his son and the princess were assassinated on the orders of Prince Philip.

"Goodness no, mate," he said. "That's jury tampering innit? None of that, now. Old Phil the Greek is a murdering swine but the jury can decide that for themselves. And there's a shot on Santa's sleigh in it for them too come October."