http://www.midnightplumbers.com Wed, 25 Jul 2007 22:17:41 GMT The latest news from the Midnight Plumbers. en-us Copyright Midnight Plumbers 2007 webmaster@midnightplumbers.com Coranto using the Feed Builder Addon Fri, 29 Jun 2007 16:03:17 GMT http://www.midnightplumbers.com/cgi-bin/coranto/viewnews.cgi?id=EElFEFkAAZkNPyPofG http://www.midnightplumbers.com/cgi-bin/coranto/viewnews.cgi?id=EElFEFkAAZkNPyPofG Gordon Brown's first day as PM has been disrupted by the state Tony Blair left No. 10 Downing Street in when he left. It is believed that the outgoing PM and wife, Cherie, threw a bit of a party for Downing Street staff and didn't do any clearing up. Consequently, Mr and Mrs Brown arrived from next door to be greeted by empty pizza boxes, half-empty beer cans and drained bottles of After Shock, the Blairs' tipple of choice. Mr Brown was not invited to the party. The former chancellor is also reported as being upset that he did not know about some rather nasty carpet stains (the result of a particularly fun-filled state visit from George Bush) that have been kept hidden by strategic positioning of Mrs Blair's enormous clothing closet, which has now been removed. Mr Brown did have a survey done prior to moving house but it is not clear whether Mr Blair had access to this dossier nor made any changes prior to it being presented to Gordon Brown. Mr Brown was under the impression that the wardrobe made for Downing Street (or WMD) would be there upon his arrival, but despite an extensive search it was clearly not there. Mr Brown was quoted yesterday: "I'm gutted, Sarah and I will have to go to IKEA for new furniture and there is some serious housework to do. I don't know how long it will be before we can return to the business of government". Late last night a spokesman for Mr Blair said "Brown's been clearing up after Blair for years; I don't see why today should be any different". Thu, 05 Apr 2007 16:11:10 GMT http://www.midnightplumbers.com/cgi-bin/coranto/viewnews.cgi?id=EEZVZlAuZpFXgLtMKO http://www.midnightplumbers.com/cgi-bin/coranto/viewnews.cgi?id=EEZVZlAuZpFXgLtMKO The 15 Royal Navy sailors and marines held in Iran for almost two weeks have been reunited with their families. The crew, freed by Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as a "gift" to the British people on Wednesday, touched down at Heathrow Airport at noon. A statement from Downing Street said that Prime Minister Tony Blair is still considering what to give in return. Mr Blair is said to be angry at being embarrassed with the late gift, thinking that he had done all his present buying for this Easter. His wife Cherie has reportedly told him that if he had left it to her as she had suggested then this would never have happened. Government advisors are said to be swithering between a Sony PlayStation 3 and a set of fancy candles for Mr Ahmadinejad. However there are fears that this may cause a diplomatic incident as Mr Blair has already bought President George W Bush a condominium in Manhattan and a pair of bejewelled cowboy boots. It is thought that a PS3 might look a bit inadequate in comparison and anyway the games are very expensive. Sources suggest that Home Secretary John Reid is urging a compromise gift of tomahawk missiles, sarin gas and creme eggs, all to be launched with immediate effect. It is believed Mr Reid is hurt that he didn't get any captive Naval personnel as a gift and has reportedly told staff that "the bloody Muslims just don't know how to do Easter." Thu, 29 Mar 2007 15:36:57 GMT http://www.midnightplumbers.com/cgi-bin/coranto/viewnews.cgi?id=EEZVElkyEZiOrOiZQh http://www.midnightplumbers.com/cgi-bin/coranto/viewnews.cgi?id=EEZVElkyEZiOrOiZQh Prince William's girlfriend Kate Middleton has made a formal complaint over a photograph which appeared in today's Daily Mirror. Ms Middleton wrote to the Press Complaints Commission demanding action be taken over the photograph which she said made her "look a bit fat". Ms Middleton, who has the backing of Buckingham Palace over the issue said that the Mirror's photographer was in breach of Clause 4 of the Code of Practice which strictly outlaws photographs of any of the prince's girlfriend's looking less than their best. Ms Middleton said that the photograph compromised her chances of marrying Prince William as "no-one likes a fat gal do they and that picture made me look like a size 12." She also claims that the photograph invaded her privacy and is demanding 1 million in compensation or a fashion spread for the week of Royal Ascot. Ms Middleton says that the press have made her life a misery since she began dating the Prince, saying that a series of photographs made her look podgy, stupid, somewhat posh and stuck-up. The Association of Press Photographers have formally thanked her for the compliment on their skills. Wed, 21 Mar 2007 16:39:13 GMT http://www.midnightplumbers.com/cgi-bin/coranto/viewnews.cgi?id=EEZuuAVEVFgPtfYBMm http://www.midnightplumbers.com/cgi-bin/coranto/viewnews.cgi?id=EEZuuAVEVFgPtfYBMm Hit 1970s pop band The Bay City Rollers are suing their record company, claiming they are owed millions of dollars in unpaid royalties. The Scottish group says Arista Records has withheld payments from album sales, merchandise, commercials, film rights and ringtones during the last 25 years. The five original Rollers - Les McKeown, Eric Faulkner, Ian Rankin, Alan Longmuir and Derek Longmuir - have struggled since their heyday with only bestselling author Rankin going on to a further media career. McKeown and Faulkner still tour small venues, Alan Longmuir is a plumber while his brother Derek is a nurse and former paedophile. The Rollers also lost millions after being advised to invest in a trampoline-making firm by former manager Tam Paton. He assured them that trampolines were going to be the biggest thing since the hoola hoop and the band members bought into 16 production factories, one outside Edinburgh and the remaining 15 in Elgin. All the factories had to close when it was discovered that the child workers flown in from the Philippines to build the trampolines weren't heavy enough to carry out vital bounce tests. Further attempts at investment failed when Paton convinced the Rollers to put their money into plastic rain macs and Wellington boots for reindeer, a scheme he insisted would be the biggest thing since trampolines. Sadly the seasonal nature of reindeer work meant the plan was doomed to failure and not even a last-ditch attempt to use the macs and boots for school children could save the company. The Rollers have said that if they can recover the estimated $22 million from Arista they intend to invest it in a company which produces tartan paint for the American market. Les McKeown says he has been told that it is set to be the biggest thing since reindeer macs. Thu, 08 Mar 2007 16:59:31 GMT http://www.midnightplumbers.com/cgi-bin/coranto/viewnews.cgi?id=EEZFFZFEZEFqOlXhaP http://www.midnightplumbers.com/cgi-bin/coranto/viewnews.cgi?id=EEZFFZFEZEFqOlXhaP Actor John Inman, most famous for the comedy Are You Being Served?, has died in London aged 71. Inman made his name in the 1970s show as Mr Humphries, whose catchphrase "I'm free!" entered popular culture. Inman's agent today paid tribute to the Korean War hero who won the Victoria Cross before taking up a career in acting. Archie Drake recalled how Mr Inman was always reluctant to speak about his wartime adventures and how he would often say "what happened in Korea, stays in Korea". Inman was decorated for single-handedly killing 24 enemy troops, three of them with his bare hands, and saving his battalion from certain death. Military legend has it that Inman's colonel asked for a volunteer to tackle the enemy and Inman immediately cried out that he was available. Inman left the army and operated as a mercenary in Angola and Uganda for a number of years before taking up a career in acting. Last night, former mercenary John 'Mad Dog' Banks said that Inman was one of the hardest men he had ever known and that it was a tragedy that he had decided lightly to tread the boards rather than fight for corrupt regimes. Wendy Richards, Inman's co-star in Are You Being Served, said that he would rarely talk about his violent past. "Sometimes, if he'd had too much gin and lemon, then he'd get aggressive and challenge stage hands to a fight to the death," she said. "But when he wasn't drinking he was the nicest man you could wish to meet." Wed, 07 Mar 2007 17:08:39 GMT http://www.midnightplumbers.com/cgi-bin/coranto/viewnews.cgi?id=EEZFklZFEAblcJpadU http://www.midnightplumbers.com/cgi-bin/coranto/viewnews.cgi?id=EEZFklZFEAblcJpadU Home Secretary John Reid has launched a crackdown on "foreigners who come to the UK and steal our benefits". Mr Reid says that the plan is intended to stop illegal immigrants getting housing, healthcare or work. He added that the new measures would also prevent immigrants from gaining access to justice or enjoying the famed British sense of fair play. They will also be denied food, clean water, shelter from the rain, Channel 5 and free gifts with breakfast cereals. Mr Reid would not be drawn on rumours that he is to give up politics after being made a lucrative offer to star as Alf Garnett in a remake of the classic sitcom Till Death Do Us Part. It is believed that the BBC want Reid to play the racist, bigoted, fascist and foul-mouthed Garnett and they have said the fact that he is not an actor will be no hindrance. Others in the running for roles in the remake are Margaret Beckett as Garnett's wife Else, Tony Blair as his lazy Scottish git son-in-law and David Milliband as their daughter Rita. The Conservative Party have attacked the Government for stealing their ideas and said that they are pushing through the programme in order to steal the thunder from their own planned remake of Love Thy Neighbour. Fri, 02 Mar 2007 17:52:19 GMT http://www.midnightplumbers.com/cgi-bin/coranto/viewnews.cgi?id=EEZklVZAFALxqLPWJq http://www.midnightplumbers.com/cgi-bin/coranto/viewnews.cgi?id=EEZklVZAFALxqLPWJq The High Court has ruled that a jury should hear the inquest into the deaths of Princess Diana and Dodi Al Fayed rather than deputy royal coroner Baroness Butler-Sloss sitting alone. The decision has been welcomed by Harrods boss Mohamed Al Fayed who said it was a victory for British justice and common sense. "This is wonderful news mate," he said. "Twelve good men and ladies can decide on what happened to my son and his lovely bride-to-be, mother of my grandchildren, sweetheart of the nation, angel in heaven, Allah rest her soul. It would have been a proper catalogue of miscarriage if the decision was left to one person just basing a judgemental on the facts. This is about emotion mate and you need proper people for that, not those who just study the evidence." Mr Al Fayed said that it would be a traumatic duty for the chosen jurors and said that as a reward for their dedication they would all receive Harrods vouchers to the value of 100,000 each. He denied this was an inducement to find that his son and the princess were assassinated on the orders of Prince Philip. "Goodness no, mate," he said. "That's jury tampering innit? None of that, now. Old Phil the Greek is a murdering swine but the jury can decide that for themselves. And there's a shot on Santa's sleigh in it for them too come October." Tue, 27 Feb 2007 11:34:15 GMT http://www.midnightplumbers.com/cgi-bin/coranto/viewnews.cgi?id=EEZkVZypVVzGCUfMgp http://www.midnightplumbers.com/cgi-bin/coranto/viewnews.cgi?id=EEZkVZypVVzGCUfMgp The mother of an eight-year-old boy who weighs 14 stone is anxiously waiting to find out whether her son will be taken into care by social workers. North Tyneside Council say they want to pick up Connor McCreadie but are worried someone will put their back out doing so. Instead they say they will try to lure Connor into care by leaving a trail of sausage, chips and chicken nuggets to the door of foster parents. However celebrity chef Jamie Oliver is trying to stop the council action by adopting the eight-year-old and make him a guinea pig for his healthy-eating project. A spokesman for Oliver admitted that the chef wouldn't actually make Connor a guinea pig, he would just buy him one out of a pet store and baste it in its own juices. The spokesman added, "Jamie is determined to make this kid slim. He intends to put him on a strict regime of lettuce leaves and damp cardboard. Jamie says that if he can't get him down to eight stone by Christmas then he will stick an apple in the boy's mouth and serve him up to the Salvation Army." When interviewed by The Plumbing Planet, Connor's mother Ms Nicola McKeown said something that we couldn't make out on account of her stuffing her mouth with chips at the time. Thu, 22 Feb 2007 16:13:16 GMT http://www.midnightplumbers.com/cgi-bin/coranto/viewnews.cgi?id=EEZkEypZAyyAfqTZjZ http://www.midnightplumbers.com/cgi-bin/coranto/viewnews.cgi?id=EEZkEypZAyyAfqTZjZ Prince Harry's regiment will be deployed to Iraq, the Ministry of Defence and Clarence House have confirmed in a joint statement. The Prince's Blues and Royals regiment will be deployed to what has been described by the MoD as one of the most dangerous theatres in Iraq. The regiment will spend six months in the Gaiety Theatre Baghdad, protecting the famed Kirkurk Ballet Company from the risk of attack from critics. Army intelligence fears that savage criticism of the Kirkurk Ballet is being fuelled by insurgents in an attempt to bring down the democratically-elected poodle government of Iraq. The Blues and Royals will man key areas of the theatre, including the stalls, dress circle, bar and themed restaurant. They will do so out of uniform, a risky strategy as it leaves them open to capture without the protection of the Geneva Convention and leaves their dinner suits vulnerable to the stains of Bloody Marys. Prince Harry is already being tipped to win the Victoria Cross and to pull the democratically-elected prima ballerina. Wed, 21 Feb 2007 16:16:40 GMT http://www.midnightplumbers.com/cgi-bin/coranto/viewnews.cgi?id=EEZkpZuyppwlqokOYR http://www.midnightplumbers.com/cgi-bin/coranto/viewnews.cgi?id=EEZkpZuyppwlqokOYR The bidding war on eBay for locks of Britney Spears' hair has taken a dramatic new twist. Hundreds of sellers have been offering hair said to be that of the troubled pop star who shaved it off in a Los Angeles hairdressers on Saturday. However it has now emerged that most of the hair being offered through the Internet auction site actually belongs to the lead singer of the Bee Gees, Barry Gibb. Pop fans became suspicious at the amount of hair on sale and experts doubted that it could all be from the empty head of the princess of pop. Former Radio One DJ Paul Gambaccini realised that the only singer with enough hair to meet the Internet demand was Gibb and contacted the FBI. "Barry Gibb is the hairiest man in the music business, perhaps the entire entertainment industry," Gambaccini said last night. "I knew it had to be him behind this cruel swindle." Gibb now faces prosecutions for fraud. The singer already had a criminal record, several of them. He also faces charges of indecency if it is proved that he also shaved off his pubic hair to help meet demand.